I am trying my hardest to feel better about life. I want to be financially secure, secure with my relationships and continue to do my job. So I am going to lay it all out there.

 $$$: No more frivilous spending. I am going to pay bills bills bills. on time time time. I need to save as much money as possible to move and pay off my cousin. I know that by buying things that I don't need I will be helping myself out in the long run. I may not be able to buy what I want now, but I can later. I'm really excited (as lame as that may sound). I will be able to move in with Ricky and Dominick and have a happy life. I have a new bed, a fairly nice apartment, money to eat and a job.

 WORK: I need to start taking my job more seriously. I used to be super sweet at work, but since then I've slacked and I honestly want to get back into the swing of things. I'm going to work my ass off and do nothing but my job. No slacking. No talking. I will get all of my work done and more. I want more money and to do that, I have to do the job. I may hate my job, and Walmart may just be the anti-christ, but it's all I have right now and it's paying for everything that I do. I need to take it seriously, and I intend to.

 LOVE: My relationship is budding. I am trying my hardest to make us work and so is he. I'm really excited to say that I love where I am with him. I am happy to have her out of the picture and she won't be around to hurt me any longer. I know that I will be OK, and he will be with me for the rest of our lives. I'm excited to move in with him and I'm excited to eventually be married to him. Right now, we're just going to take our relationship one step at a time and although I know we're both ready to be married, we're just going to have fun being together and not let anyone get in the way of that. I love where we are right now. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone in my life.

 HEALTH: Although Dominick tells me I'm fine and he loves me the way that I am, I am determined to get to a weight that makes me happy and stop eating unhealthy. I am not going to become a health=nut and completely cut everything out of my diet that isn't good for me, but I am going to be more sensible about it. I have an exercise regimen and hoodia to help me get there and I am excited to get to that point. Less Taco Bell and more Vegetarianism is the way to be. I am going to be just fine.

 FRIENDSHIP: I have never had much luck with friends. I have the best friends for an ample amount of time and then they're gone. Lindsey is the latest of the saga. However, Ricky and I have been friends ever since I can remember and Maria fits in there as well. I can honestly say that my best friends are in Pennsylvania and they always will be. I have made a few friends out here but none of them have a bond w/ me like those that are in Pittsburgh. Dominick is probably the only person that I have a bond with other than them. I will always miss what Lindsey and I had, but as far as I'm concerned, everytime I think about us becoming close like we once were, she does something that just drives me crazy. It's probably my fault, but I refuse to take the blame for all of it.

 LIFE: I feel much better when I lay it all out there. I think i will be OK but I need to stay sensible about this and stop kidding myself about being OK without a plan. I need a plan. I need to live with a plan. I think I've got one. I just have a few tweaks to work out.

I'm going to be OK.

       Why is it that when I have something exciting happen to me, something horrible is there as well? I am deeply saddened & devastated by the death of one of my dearest friends, Christina Marie Williams. It was completely bullshit what happened to her and I'll miss her everyday for the rest of my life. I love her so much.

       However, when I was going back to see her for the viewing and the funeral, my car died. Yes, it died. I had to rent one and drive, in a very paranoid fashion, back to Pennsylvania. The good news was that I can hopefully move out next month back to Pittsburgh with my best friend, Ricky. I just don't know how I'm going to get everything done. I have to break my lease, find a car, get back there for the apartment appointment, pass my finals, transfer stores, get Lindsey's dog into the apartment (weight restrictions), rent a U-Haul, and MOVE. I want this so much. I want this more than anything I've ever wanted before.

       I don't have a real point to this, I just want it to work out. If you ever have me in any of your thoughts (why would you?) then please pray that this works out for the best.

Chrissy, if you're listening.. help me. I need you so much. I miss you baby. I love you.

       As stated in my previous blogs on all three of my sites, things aren't exactly in Candyland for me. However, for those of my nonxanga member friends reading this, I'll recap. I cannot drive my car because I am lacking insurance, however I still have to pay for it. Because I can't drive though, I'm back at my parent's house for the time being because I need some way of getting to and from work & school. Needless to say I'm no longer a fan of couch crashing. So, I'm paying bills; i.e. rent, electric, cable, internet all for an apartment I'm not even living in right now. I'm just throwing money out the window; so it seems.

      The one upside to NOT having insurance? You pay nothing! I am taking the $300 I pay for insurance (that's NOT all of it, mind you) and buying a new phone that I want, and that I feel I have deserved. I'm pretty excited as lame as it sounds.

      I'm not really doing all that well staying up on my homework. I did manage to talk my math professor to give me full credit for an assignment that I was having trouble failing but this weekend I will not have time to go anywhere EXCEPT for Gull Road on Saturday morning with Jeff & Jesse. My only dilemma there is figuring out how exactly I'm going to get to my apartment in some way OTHER than walking with my 85 pound backpack. Not such a big deal, though. I will be doing homework until my fingers fall off. Also, I'm finding out how much of a loan I can get for a new laptop, again, exciting to me.

     I am happy to announce, in a few ways I guess, that I was offered a promotion at work and to most this would be awesome news and would totally make someone as depressed as I, happy, at least a little bit, again. So what's the problem? Well, I am on third shift and the promotion is a day shift job. The shifts vary from 8-5 to 11-8. I'm in classes from basically 830 am to about 4pm. I guess I could figure out something, but being a Merchandise Supervisor and having split shifts may not work. I don't know, I'll keep an update. I have some time to think about it. I was worried that I'd have to give my definite answer on Monday, but as I was leaving work this morning, I realized that isn't so because I don't work on Monday or Tuesday. So Wednesday it is!

     I'm just hoping that all of THIS doesn't come down crashing and burning. Everything that went well before, is now total & complete shit. I really don't know how it got to that state, but here I am shoveling my way out.